"Um, hey guys? How do you set the microwave to chimp?"

Major: English

Favorite food: Muffins

Strengths: Enthusiasm, nickel collecting, building sand castles, taking things in stride, a child-like fascination for everything.

Weaknesses: Grocery shopping, computers, maintaining attention, comprehending genuine danger for what it is.

Gabriel is the haphazard, loveable, cluelessly optimistic individual in the group. He is genuinely loved by all - at least when he isn't microwaving wildlife or destroying expensive technology with his touch of entropy. Gabriel always means well with everything he says and does, but he always manages to find just the right way to have his words or actions misinterpreted - which generally means bad news for his social interactions Still, he's an idiot with a heart of gold, and that is what really matters...sort of.

Oh, and he draws purty pictures, too.

"Jesus, what if he puts thumbtacks in our cereal or - Vikings in our sock drawers or something?!"

Major: Computer science

Favorite food: Orange chicken with noodles

Strengths: Gold farming, speed-ordering pizza, philosophy, all-things "computer."

Weaknesses: Physical exertion, Vikings, sunlight, interactions with the general public, women.

Spending most of his time indoors absorbing photons from his monolithic computer, Devin is the pensive, deeply philosophical fall-man of the group. Devin rarely ventures beyond the threshold of his own bedroom unless the primal calls of hunger or waste evacuation beckon him forth. As such, he has ample time to weave complex arbitrary conspiracies in his head grounded entirely in his paranoia and irrational fear of Vikings. A philosopher at heart, he is ever-willing to lend his insights into the human condition.

"Monkey-loving bulbous dick pipe!"

Major: Undeclared

Favorite food: Extra spicy chili

Strengths: Knowing what he wants, manipulation, loafing, cursing, scrutinizing.

Weaknesses: Remaining dispassionate, sustaining temperance, maintaining composure, not getting angry.

With a body that is comprised primarily of hatred, malice, snails, and puppy dog tails, Cloud is the official "Hulk" of the group as far as temper is concerned. No inconsistency, no irritation, however infinitescimal or negligable, escapes his scrutinizing gaze; and he is more than willing to go out of his way to point out each and every aspect of life which doesn't meet his lofty, self-righteous standards - provided that "going out of his way" does not involve physical exertion of any kind. When Cloud is around, one would do best to wear protective headgear.

"I'll bet you guys I can wear these things and make it back to the apartment without getting into more than three accidents!"

Major: None. Enlisted in the Air Force.

Favorite food: Crusty Chunks™

Strengths: Soldiering, saluting, making bets and wagers, handshakes, barb-a-queing.

Weaknesses: Shifting gears, signaling, lane changing, obeying traffic signals, watching for pedestrians, parking.

Without a doubt, Wayne is the unpredictable, unorthodox, wild firecracker of the group. Wayne is unstable, unsafe, unpredictable, uncompromising, and unerring in his ability to turn an otherwise stable situation completely upside-down - especially where vehicles are concerned. Woe to the unprepared passenger who climbs into a car with Wayne at the wheel. One can only be thankful that Wayne opted to join the military rather than assimilate into the working world. Then again, how safe could America possibly be with someone like Wayne at it's back? Probably a lot safer than it would have been with him on the road.

"I fail to see the advantageous aspects of trying to milk a wolverine."

Major: Biochemistry

Favorite food: Super triple chocolate fudge sundae

Strengths: Levelheadedness, insight, athletics, dancing, video games.

Weaknesses: Anything Japanese, sticking with a diet, chocolate, insects.

Jessica, also known as "Dota" to her closer friends, is the witty, sure-shooting straight-gal of the group. A diligent worker and brilliant scientific mind, Jessica is most often found guiding the other less-savy males of the group back onto the path of sanity. She does, however, have something of a soft spot for all things Oriental - and it is in this one aspect that she loses all self-control and descends into the same fit of madness that afflicts so many of us.

"Do you have any idea how much paperwork I would have to fill out to kill just one of you, let alone all three?"

Major: Engineering

Favorite food: Orange sherbert ice cream

Strengths: Logic, programming, baking, supernatural ascendancy, reaping.

Weaknesses: Typing quickly or accurately, making small talk, empathy, fashion sense.

Death is, as you might have guessed, Death - the very essence of expiration and transcendence personified in cloaked humanoid form. His presence in the group is uncanny, and also unquestioned. He is simply another college student trying to get by in a complicated world of tuition fees, text books, and late-night crunch sessions. Weird? Well, he thinks you're weird too.